Being in love, with being in love..

I’ve often wondered whether or not it's possible: ‘to be in love, with being in love’.

The concept of ‘being in love, with being in love’ can be illustrated clearer if considered ‘obsessive love’.

There are two suggested triggers for obsessive love:

1. Low self esteem as a result of a childhood issue.

2. The individual enjoys creating dramas to gain a ‘fix’.

Obsessive love can also be referred to as; love addiction or relationship addiction & can result in dangerous consequences including; stalking, rape & murder, furthermore; obsessive love can have a detrimental affect upon the addict.

Love addicts aren’t actually in love with their fixation; they become dependent on the emotional stability provided by the partner due to their low self-esteem & lack of self-identity.

The addict may have many brief, yet intense relationships; a long-term relationship, which will suffer many ups & downs or, they may withdraw from relationships all together; either way; the majority of their energy will be spent focusing upon romantic relationships.

It is their irrational thoughts that lead to obsessive-controlling behavior.

Characteristics of a love addict:

- Emotional &/or sexual attraction with people they hardly know.

- They feel incomplete when ‘single’.

- They idolise their love interest.

- They are unable to get over relationships.

- They repeatedly make a play for unavailable people.

- Their fantasies & obsessions interfere with daily life.

Psychologist, John D. Moore derived a hypothetical sphere, which he named the ‘Obsessive Love Wheel’. The wheel illustrates the four stages of Obsessive Relational Progression as part of Relational Dependency. It’s suggested that people afflicted with Relational Dependency will have their relationships follow the pattern of the wheel.

The initial phase can result from the slightest amount of attention the dependent receives from the person they are attracted too.

Phase 1: Attraction

• Instant attraction to their romantic interest.

• Immediate urge to rush into a relationship.

• Becoming ‘hooked on the look’.

• Unrealistic fantasies, assigning ‘magical’ qualities.

Phase 2: Anxiety

This phase is considered a relational turning point, which usually occurs after a commitment has been made between both people. The relational-dependent of the two will enter into this phase without the presence of a commitment & will create the illusion of intimacy, regardless of the other persons true feelings.

Phase 2 behaviours include:

- Unfounded thoughts of infidelity.

- Demanding accountability for daily activities.

- Overwhelming fear of abandonment.

- The need to constantly be in contact with the love interest.

- Strong feelings of distrust.

- Escalation of obsessive-controlling behaviours.

- Keeping their love interest from others.

- Violent reactions when rejected.

Phase 3: Obsession

Phase Three is characterized by a total loss of control on the part of the RD person, resulting from extreme anxiety.

Phase 3 behaviours include:

- The R.D required their love interests constant attention.

- Neurotic, compulsive behaviours.

- Unfounded accusations of ‘cheating’.

- Monitoring activities.

- Extreme control tactics, including questioning of love.

- Guilt trips.

Phase 4: Destruction

Inevitably, the previous three behaviours will have a detrimental affects on the relationship, leading to the demise of the love-addict & their relationship. The destruction phase is deemed to be the dangerous stage; because the dependent plummets into a deep depression.

Other characteristics of this phase include:

- Feeling ‘empty’ inside.

- Loss of self-esteem.

- Anger, rage, revenge.

- Denial & promises of change.

- Drugs, alcohol & sex to ease the ‘pain’.

References: Moore, John D (2006) "Confusing Love with Obsession: When Being in Love Means Being in Control"